With thought we were raising a genius

I think with that cheesy pun, we can safely say, we do not now, nor have we ever (nor will we ever in the future) “rock.” Oh well, onto today’s topic – milestones. Oh the continuous battle to ensure your child is reaching (if not exceeding) milestones.

Here’s the scenario: You get a ping on one of your many “helpful” baby apps welcoming you to week (insert number) and politely telling you that by this point most babies are sleeping though the night, sitting up, smiling when they see you, all while doing their taxes. Panic sets in as you ask yourself, has my baby done that – oh no, we’re behind! We’ll never catch up. We’ll have to work on it day in and day out until it is mastered. You spend the rest of the week attempting to teach a 10 week old long division and crying in frustration as they are still stuck on simple addition. And you scream, “My child will never get into Harvard with this attitude. I’m a failure. She’s doomed.” All while your poop machine is blowing spit bubbles (which I’m hoping is a milestone to reach soon, cause she’s amazing at it). Then finally, after painful days and nights, you’ve done it. You’ve taught this little person how to master that skill (or at least how to perform it once and pretend he/she is now a master). And you finally feel peace. And you breath. And you pat yourself on your back for a job well done. Then your phone pings and welcomes you to the next week. Damnit!

Ok, so maybe I was a little over dramatic, but that week of long division really was stressful.

So the milestone my apps keep telling me my 14 week old should soon master – rolling over from stomach to back, thus entering the important activity of tummy time. For those not familiar with the concept, it’s basically placing your baby on his or her stomach (while awake and supervised) to help develop head, neck and shoulder muscles. An ultimate goal is for your baby to gain enough muscles to roll from front to back. And apparently babies hate this position and the only way to teach them is through torture? On a side note, I’ve also been told by my mother that they never did such ridiculous things in her time and it seems I turned out fine – fine was used loosely but still. I mean, I still don’t know how to do my own taxes and struggle with long division, but… damnit.

Anyway, we were excited that Abby was able to roll over at one month – yep, we thought we were raising a genius, little did we know she was really the evil kind of genius. She is the most stubborn child, which I’m sure is karma’s way of making it up to my own mother. The first time she rolled over, she followed it with a smirk, basically saying “Ah, so this is how I control your happiness, muhahah.” So, of course, now that we’re getting to the four month mark, she’ll only roll over on her own schedule, often resulting in her testing the water to see how much she can torture us while we’re basically begging her to roll over. And then she’ll just stare at us and smirk again before screaming for someone else to roll her over because why should she ever have to do it herself when we’ll do it for her. And just as we’re about to give up entirely, boom, she’s done it. So yes, we try to get her to repeat this action. Instead we get smirking followed by screaming. And if we try to push her to stay after a cry, she falls asleep, which means we have to turn her over, thus she wins. Oh, and then she’ll wake up moments later, smirking again. This kid. No wonder babies are made to be adorable. And, I might add, I told anyone who would listen that she rolled over in her first month, so when you come over and I attempt to wow you with her genius, she just lays there pretending she has no idea what we want. Oh she knows. She knows.

Here’s to hoping she’ll at least one day use her evil genius ways to hold the sun hostage, release it only after the government pays her handsomely, and that she shares this wealth with her parents so they can live in the lap of luxury and never speak of rolling over again. One can hope.